desertvixen | Laurell K. Hamilton's new novella Jason: The Snark Edition (Reply)

Under cuts to save your friends-list.

So, once upon a time (around 2000 or so), I discovered Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter. She was a short woman who hunted down bad guys and took them out, who was sarcastic, who didn't give a damn what she or anyone else was wearing, and who was NOT interested in sleeping with anyone.

I read the first three books in the series roughly in a night each (I was recovering from wisdom teeth, so not a whole lot else to do) and enjoyed them. They were fast-paced enough that you got carried along, and didn't care that these weren't fine works of literature. They were fun.

Fast-forward to a book called Incubus Dreams or the book where sex (with vampires and/or were-whatevers) took over, where characters morphed, where two yes-men characters really took over. The book two spaces back, Narcissus in Chains, had a rape scene that wasn't treated as a rape scene (and that LKH changed in later editions to make it more "ambiguous" and actually even worse), while the book before it was billed as "transition". But Incubus Dreams broke me, and I suspect, a lot of other LKH fans. The series has gone downhill ever since.

Worse, it's impossible to go back and enjoy the earlier books because the flaws, the problems, just JUMP out at you. They're not enjoyable.

However, because I have an affection for train wrecks, I just can't quit LKH.

So, allow me to present a snark of her latest novella, Jason. Ostensibly, this is supposed to be about helping one of the "minor-major" characters (i.e., a recurring supporting character in LKH-speak) deal with some personal problems (that aren't really problems) but, like everything else in the series, ends up being All About Anita. If you're unfamiliar with the series, it's written in first-person from Anita's POV and it has all of the problems inherent in that POV.

LKH has claimed repeatedly that characters aren't really based on anyone, but Anita has clearly devolved into Mary Sue, and several characters appear to be self-inserts, which fuels a lot of discussion about the series. LKH has also claimed to have considered buying her characters presents, and Anita's life takes twists and turns that are very definitely similar to LKH's own. Suffice to say, I don't buy that characters aren't inserts, and I don't buy that Anita Blake is not a Mary Sue of the highest order.

On to the snark!

LKH is in italics. I am in normal.

So, in some respects, this one is an improvement. It’s honest about just being a sex-fest without pretending to have a bigger plot, unless you count “working issues” as plot. (Hint: I don’t.) Plus, this one still suffers from unfortunate word choices which make “sexy scenes” not sexy.
Rather than snarking the plot as a whole (even when one exists), I like to just snark the unfortunate passages.
I have not edited LKH, all errors appear in the Kindle edition.

We were all polyamorous, which means to love more, so everyone knew what and who everyone else was doing, but that didn’t mean there weren’t moments when too much sharing was, well, too much.

No, these characters aren’t based on LKH/LKH’s life at all… She's recently come out as being poly, possibly due to the fact that her child is now an adult. However, she likes to present herself as the end-all be-all expert on...well, everything really. But right now, especially the polyamorous angle, which unlike the poly people I know in real life seems to be all about the wild kinky sex they have in groups and how everyone is mean to them for being so awesome.

Sex with him was great, but we’d both done a lot of emotional damage to each other over the years, and . . . the needs he’d met in my life were now met by other people, who liked, or loved, each other and got along a hell of a lot better with the other men. Richard was trying, but in some ways he’d worked out his shit too late to truly be a part of our happy little poly group. He sort of floated on the edges of my life, and I on his.

Good news: Richard is not in this book.

Bad news: Character assassination in his absence is still on the menu, along with requisite “Poor Richard” conversation about how much he is missing out on because he can’t “work his shit out”.

Also, in light of the Richard = Gary theory, I find this part very interesting, and wonder if it’s related to the fact that their daughter is now a legal, college-attending, living away from home adult. Also, do I detect some wisftulness in that tone? (For those unfamiliar with LKH, Gary is her ex-husband who many believe played a role in the development of the series.)

“Do you really like sex as rough as he does?”
I shrugged. “Yes, sometimes, not every night, but yeah.”
She shivered. “Fine, Anita, you want to be direct, I can be direct. I had to tell him to stop, or ease up, constantly last night. He’d been great, the sex would be wonderful, he’d bring me to orgasm and then he’d start being too rough again, as if once he made me come he thought it earned him the right to be too rough and hurt me.”
“Most women can take rougher intercourse after enough foreplay,” Jason said. “He wasn’t trying to be mean, just thought he’d done enough prep work to have sex the way he wanted to have it, and you’d enjoy it, too.”
“Well, I didn’t, and I had to keep telling him to stop. I finally told him to get off me, that was it.”
“Do you mean for last night, or do you mean done as in done forever?” I asked.
She looked at me, and her eyes darkened the way that human eyes do when they start to get angry. “Forever. The sex is amazing if he can control himself, but he’s so big that if he just starts pounding it hurts, and it drowns out all the orgasms, or even stops me from orgasming, because it hurts too much.”

Is Richard the only character who’s not constantly talking and negotiating during sex? Jason’s whole line (especially since Jason is generally not-negative about Richard) is just ridiculous. However, good for Envy actually standing up for herself.

If you’re consistently too rough with your partner, you’re not a good partner (especially as this sounds like a continuing thing).

“Prep work” is one of her overused and unsexy phrases. Every time I see it, I picture knives and onions and maybe some raw chicken, not sexy times. I picture Nate in his apron with some lavendar dishwashing gloves (yes, I have a pair in that shade) and his apron and pearls. It also makes me feel like she considers foreplay just one of those things you have to do and get it over, instead of enjoyable for its own sake.

“Tigers like water, a lot,” I said, and sipped at my coffee.
“I’m not overly fond of it,” Envy said, “but that may be because you can never take a shower without a man thinking you want sex.”

If you can’t get in the shower without a man trying to have sex with you, you need a new place to live.

I’m picturing a shower alarm that goes off, so everyone knows there’s a shower with an available woman.

“The new oven preheated just like it was supposed to,” Nathaniel said, either because it was what interested him or to prove he wasn’t poking this particular badger with a stick.

This is probably the one funny Nate line in the whole book.

“So,” Jason said, “he’s used to winning.”
She looked at all of us, frowning. “I don’t understand what that has to do with him and Nathaniel not getting along.”
“I won,” Nathaniel said.
“Won what?”
“Anita, being permanently in her life, being her main squeeze, her person, hers, and she’s mine. Micah and I have what Richard wants.”
“You mean Anita.”
He shrugged, and half-nodded. “Anita, and a life that works, and makes us all happy.”
“He’s sleeping with Anita, and he could still have a life with someone else.”
“He could, but no one is Anita.”
That made me uncomfortable, and I fought not to squirm. “It’s not like that.”

Considering who Richard and Nate/Micah are based on, chalk up another obligatory swipe at the ex-husband, and the implication that he’s still unhappy because he can’t have Anita.

“No one is Anita.” Let’s all drink to that. (“No one else is Anita” would be more correct, however.)

Good news: Micah is not in the book. In the words of LKH/Anita: “Yay, so very yay!” No kitty-cat eyes, no two-liter members, and significantly less implication that Micah is actually a character anyone should actually care about.

“But Micah is Nimir-Raj, leopard king, and the head of the Coalition, so he’s becoming like the leader for all the animal groups in town, and even across the country. Why does Richard have an issue with him?”

Why can’t this plot just go where all the other plots have gone to DIE?

“Because Micah is five-three and Richard is six-one,” Jason said.
“What?” Envy asked.
“You know how most women walk into a room and assess the beauty in the room to see where they rate, and who might give them a run for their money?” Jason asked.
“Sure,” Envy said.
“A lot of men do the same thing, but they’re not looking at who’s better-looking, they’re assessing threats, physical potential.”

What women do this BS? Do all the fights take place in a club…oh wait, never mind. Sorry, forgot what series this is!

Bigger men underrating smaller people’s capabilities in a fight is something that happens, but not as much as she thinks it is.

Envy gave him wide eyes.

This phrase. Kill it with fire. The whole "X gave wide eyes" or "gave blank face" constructions need to Go Away.

“No, Micah kills for the same reason I do in a fight, because we’re too small not to. If we weren’t willing to be more ruthless than a bigger opponent, then we’d both have died years ago.”
“Are you serious?” she asked.
“Absolutely,” I said.

Again, something to be said for a smaller fighter needing to be quicker (not necessarily more ruthless) than a bigger fighter, but not to the extent that she takes it to.

“Anita and Micah are almost equally ruthless,” Nathaniel said. “You’re saying they both kill more easily than Richard.”

What about either of these two in recent books makes you think they’re ruthless? Micah is either fighting or screwing his way to leadership, and Anita can't make a personal decision without constant agony and analysis.

“Maybe part of what I love is their ruthlessness.”
“That’s just fucked up,” she said.
“Insulting us is not going to win you points,” I said.
“Sorry, but I just don’t understand. How do you really feel about loving people because they’re ruthless?”
“Safer,” Nathaniel said.

Envy is all about telling it like it is. Their dynamic is severely fucked up. Too bad she’s stuck ushering in “As you know, Bob” dialogue.

I squeezed his hand and we exchanged one of those loving looks. The fact that we did it while talking about the fact that we were willing to kill to defend the people we loved was just part of our special little snowflake of a love.

It’s special alright. It’s about as special as waking your partner up when you get out of bed in the middle of the night so they won’t worry.

We’d put a big sign over our territory saying, Nothing here is worth dying over, but if you insist, we will fucking kill you.

You can’t avoid conflict for a whole series, and that is one of the major issues for what this series has devolved into.

A near-constant push to have more of me, more time, more love, more sex, and there just wasn’t any more of me to give to anyone. The sex was great, but I couldn’t be the emotional caretaker of this many people, which was why I’d encouraged some of them to find other partners to date-date. Domino hadn’t dated anyone else yet.

But I thought polyamory was the best way ever… Also, how sad is it that she puts a higher value on sex than on other things that actually make relationships work?

“Now that the gang’s all here, why are we here? Jason mentioned something about the rough sex being part of the reason for this informal meeting. Can you elaborate on that, Jason?”
“Let’s go with Domino and Envy’s agenda item first,” he said, and gave a half smile with it.
“There’s an agenda with line items?” I said.
He laughed. “You should see your face, so woebegone.”
“I hate meetings.” I brought both my hands up to raise my coffee to my mouth. I didn’t want to touch anyone right that minute. I felt like they were ganging up on me, managing me, and I didn’t like it. Nathaniel put his hand on my thigh underneath the table, rubbing gently on it through the silk of my robe. I fought the urge to push his hand away. I wanted him to touch me, but I didn’t like realizing that everyone at this table knew the topic of conversation except me.

Here’s one of the other big issues. As much as Anita complains about “being managed”, she refuses to be an adult and manage herself. I’m going to guess that this is related to LKH’s dislike of being “managed” which I would argue could be avoided by doing what she’s supposed to. Since she won’t deal with anything without being forced to, management is necessary.

She’s right to be annoyed about Nate, since he is easily the most manipulative character in the book.

That being said, this was actually funny for a minute.

“I do straight vanilla intercourse sometimes,” I said. He hugged me one-armed and said, “No, you don’t; you think you do, but even your vanilla is more like fudge ripple.”

No one is as dark and edgy as Anita!

“Jade and I both believe that if we find other people, you’ll see it as delegating us to them. You won’t feel you have to date us, because we’ll be dating other people. We’ve seen you do it with others, Crispin included.”
I thought about that for a moment. Was that true? Was my encouraging them to find other lovers a way of getting them out of my bed, if not my life?
“I hadn’t realized I was doing that, but no one person, not even me, can truly date this many people. I can fuck, but I can’t do the emotional stuff, the cute stuff, the things that really make it a relationship; there just isn’t enough of me to go around like that. I’m feeling pressured by everyone to take care of them, and I’ve reached a limit. I can’t take care of this many people as intimately as most of you want me to, I just don’t know how to do that. I asked Jean-Claude and even he didn’t know how to have real relationships with this many people, and he’s been a ladies’ man, and a gentlemen’s man, for centuries.”
“I hadn’t really thought about it from that perspective. I don’t think . . . no, I know I couldn’t date this many people, but they’re all metaphysically tied to you and Jean-Claude and Micah, and there’s no untying those bindings except by death,” Envy said.

In light of this, I wonder if there are some polyamorous relationship growing pains going on in LKH-land.

Also, despite the fact that the book is called JASON, one of the main running plots is how Anita’s just at her limit for dealing with people.

“I love that you’re willing to relocate for your girlfriend,” Envy said. “Most men expect the woman to do the career compromising.”

LKH, the 1980s are calling…on their rotary phone. (Yes, there’s still expectations in some quarters that women will make compromises, but for characters who are younger than me, it’s a little jarring.)

“J.J. is talking to the dance company she’s in about Jason maybe trying out for them,” Nathaniel said.
I looked from one to the other. “Wow, Jason, just wow, that’s awesome; would you be the first lycanthrope allowed in an all-human dance company?” He nodded.
“That would really help lycanthropes be more accepted,” Envy said.

This is ridiculous. There’s a pretty big difference between a trained ballet dancer and an exotic dancer with some dance classes. (Not to knock the skills needed as an exotic dancer, but not on the same level.) This is, however, the same woman who thinks ballerinas need male partners to be real dancers.

“First, we all think if you maybe had more experience with women, or could talk to someone about having female lovers, you might be able to help Jade feel more a part of things.”

Again, this plot is supposed to be about Jason, but as usual it’s all about Anita.

“Add Nicky and Nathaniel co-topping me and it’s rougher,” I said. Jason laughed. “I want to introduce J.J. to rougher sex, not scare her to death.”

Pretty much. There's references to edge-play, which I don't think we've seen in the books, and I don't think the breath-play will come back after the reaction a lot of readers had to it. (For those who missed it, it included the immortal line from Nicky: "Make her face change colors" because they're choking her.)

We looked like we were going to a Goth nightclub, or to be extras in some futuristic but unrealistic movie where all the dangerous people wore black and looked cool. I would have protested, but honestly most of our dressy-casual clothes were black with a little red, purple, and blue mixed in here and there.

If you’ve seen any pictures of LKH and her husband dressed up, you’re laughing hysterically over this too. The thing is that this is presented as a matter of fact statement and not as a joke.

We pressed cheeks together more than kissed, because though she was wearing her usual neutral lip gloss, I was wearing my usual deep red lipstick and I’d learned that it overwhelmed or looked odd intermingled with other women’s lipsticks.

Apparently in this reality they haven’t discovered color-stay lipstick? Maybe the person who invented it was killed in a lyncanthrope attack? Seriously, this is a running theme that I just don’t get, and I WEAR lipstick and kiss men. Yet I’ve never gotten it all over anyone else. These passages make me miss the old Anita, who wore jeans and polos and Nikes.

It felt a little like we were talking around the elephant in the living room. I wanted to point at it and say, “Look, look, an elephant!” I both wanted to talk about the sex and the issues surrounding it, and desperately wanted to ignore it. I think everyone else was actually just talking like friends. I always wanted to either sort of pretend sex and kink issues didn’t exist, or take them so head-on that it was jarring to everyone else involved. I seemed to have only two speeds on problems that hit me emotionally, either putting my fingers in my ears and going la-la-la, or picking up an axe and attacking the issue. It wasn’t actually a comforting approach for me or the people I loved, but it was what I had for coping mechanisms. I hoped someday to have more middle ground, but right now, I didn’t. I was horribly torn between wanting to never bring up the subject of why we were all dressed up to greet J.J. at the airport, and wanting to yell, Is anyone else nervous, or is it just me?

I feel like this is one of the truest things that she has ever written.

I was so far in the guy camp on my approach to most things that I often came off as harsh even for a man. I didn’t mean to, but it happened a lot. I wasn’t trying for harsh, I just wanted to say something, or do something, and I wanted to act, not wait until I had to react.

Example 5000 of how Anita is more special/better than everyone else.

Even if by pushing I made the situation worse. It was almost a compulsion that made me want resolution to all uncertainty even if the resolution was negative, rather than wait patiently for a more positive outcome.

If I was a “guy”, I’d be insulted by this whole thing.

“I think if Richard had been having rough with you, he’d have behaved himself with Envy.”
I shrugged. “He didn’t have time to see Envy, date the new mundane chick, and fit BDSM booty calls into his schedule. He has a full-time job and a lot of family obligations with his parents and siblings in town.”

Example 5000 of how f-ed up their group dynamics are.

We’re built so differently that it’d be ridiculous to compare us, like making a Clydesdale and a Thoroughbred racehorse race each other. They’re both horses, but that’s about it.”
He laughed, hugged me, and kissed my cheek. “That is the healthiest analogy I’ve ever heard from any girl. You really don’t compare yourself to other people?”
“Not to women who are too different from my body type, no.”

Give me a break. Anita is CONSTANTLY comparing herself favorably to everyone, and going on about it to no end. But Anita isn’t like those other silly girls, she is special. How many diatribes against tall blond and slender has this series featured? Plus, Anita never has to compare herself to anyone because her hangers-on will do it for her. However, Anita has clearly forgotten her judgment fest against Richard's would-be fiancee in Shutdown.

“Too much talking, not enough sex,” Jason said, from where he was propped beside J.J.
From behind me Nathaniel said, “Agreed.”
“How do we stop all the talking and get to the sex?” Jason asked.

Note to LKH: Your readers are wondering this too. Not that the sex is any better, but talking it to death does not help.

I had trouble relaxing with another woman in the bed doing certain things, because Domino had discovered I was slower achieving orgasm through oral, especially the second or third time, where most women climaxed faster the more foreplay their partner did. It was also partly a very old hang-up from my ex-fiancé in college, who had made me feel badly that I took so long to come like this, though I’d learned that it was his lack of skill, not my body, that had been at fault.

Again, Anita is more special than anyone else in the world. New bit of blame-someone-else backstory, I believe.

Then Jason settled himself between my legs and began to lick, suck, and kiss his way over and around me.

Dear LKH: Why, if you’re so edgy, can you not use better description during sex? It’s okay to use grown up words like “cock”, “clitoris” and the like. especially in a scene like this. She’s not shy about using “fuck”, but then we go into constant references to “bodies” and “he was ready for me” and it just doesn’t work.

He’d bite, and I’d make a pain noise, not a happy noise, and he’d back off and go back to licking and sucking; then he’d bite on the sides of me, and if that brought happy noises, he’d try biting, semi-gently, over the sweet spot in the center.

I’m going to assume that she’s referring to Jason biting her on the clit. NONONONONO not sexy. Teeth might be okay in some other places, but NOT during oral sex on the female (at least, not me).

When my breathing quickened from it, spine arching a little, he bit harder. I cried out from it, and he took more of me into his mouth and shook like a dog with a toy.

Shook like a dog with a toy. Shook like a dog with a toy. NONONONONONONO NOT sexy.

I screamed my orgasm for him, hands scrambling for something to hold on to, as he worried at me with teeth and mouth, until I waved him off. We had hand signals because sometimes the orgasms left us all wordless while we shook and quivered with the aftermath of it.

“Worried at me.” “Worried at me.” Again, NONONONONONO. This is just some super unsexy language for a sex scene.

Also, if you have hand signals (and shirts – don’t forget the red shirts for ardeur food in earlier books) – you are spending way too much time on sex. Maybe because I’m not into BDSM, but LKH makes Anita’s entire life revolve around sex, and that just doesn’t work for me.

I spilled my mouth over him, sucking him until I could press my lips tight against the front of his body.

If you read LKH, you knew “spilled” would be in there eventually. Also, in this one, she’s got her mouth on Jason’s pelvis, which doesn’t sound all that sexy. I’m picturing a remora.

He was only partially erect, so it was easier to force my mouth over him and hold all of him in my mouth. I played gently with his balls with one hand and kept the other on his waist/butt area, both to touch him and as a sort of balance point.

You knew this one was coming too – because it happens in pretty much every book, because she has a serious oral fixation.

We had a moment of eye contact, and the look was enough to let me know that J.J. didn’t have my fascination for oral sex, at least not fellatio. It was one of my very favoritest things, but then J.J. had been a lesbian most of her life, so she probably rocked me out of the park on cunnilingus.

Pretty sure that this should not be news.

Nathaniel took the condoms from me and handed one to Jason. He unwrapped it, tossed the wrapper off the bed, and began sliding it on. Just watching him putting it on tightened things low in my body and made me fight not to offer him my ass like I was in heat. If it had just been the three of us, I probably would have, but with J.J. watching it felt a little slutty, or animalistic; either way, not in front of company.

If you have the bingo card, check off “tightened things low in my body”. Also, there’s been how much sex with an audience, and now she feels this? Plus, news flash: people like that position because it IS animalistic. It's called doggy-style for a reason.

I will award a point for safe sex description.

Nathaniel held me in the warmth of his arms and the solidness of his body as he said, “Jason is my best friend, Anita is the woman I love most in the world, Micah is the man, Jean-Claude is our master and him taking blood as foreplay with all of us in the bed is amazing, Asher is my dominant for bondage and sometimes for rough sex, Cynric is the little brother I never had, Nicky is brother and friend and I’m learning to really enjoy co-topping Anita with him, Dev is completely comfortable with his bisexuality, and that’s nice just to have someone else who feels the same way, and I’ll leave out everyone who doesn’t have some sexual connotation for me, but there are friends and family who I’ll never get naked with that are important to me and help make my life work.”

I get the “family of choice” idea (and practice it to some extent) but I just wouldn’t use “brother” or “sister” to describe someone I have sex with. It jars me out of the story.

Nate has issues. Issues, subscriptions, racks at the library, and the archives are available on line. He is not the person who should be giving advice on healthy relationships, ever. I get that it probably fits with the truly fucked-up back story that LKH has given him, but what’s worse is that she makes him the “emotions” go-to guy.

Enough with the commas, for the love of God. Ten commas. Holy run-on sentence! There are no spaces above because it is ALL one sentence.

I fought the urge not to squirm, because I had issues with Cynric. Sin was what he wanted to be called, not Rick. He was nineteen now and a senior, but I still had trouble with the age difference between him and me. I would miss him if he left my life, but he still hit all sorts of issues for me.

Good news: Cynric is not in this book. Also, despite the fact that Anita is still 30, Cynric is somehow now 19 (and legal, for all the haters).

I gave my best blank cop face and let Nathaniel talk.

Yet another overused phrase for the bingo card.

We were shoveling J.J.’s issues right now, not mine.

Only it’s always Anita’s issues…plus I don’t think JJ really HAS issues. She doesn’t want to have rough/BDSM sex with Jason, and she’s okay with him going elsewhere. Neither of them wants to be monogamous – so this is pretty much a non-issue, right? Other than this whole fixation that she has with everyone who is meeting someone's sexual needs being in a relationship.

“Maybe if Cynric and I had been raised together from childhood it would be different, but he was seventeen when we met, and he’s a younger brother for me, but I’ve never thought of him as anything but an adult, younger than me, but still a person and not a kid.” She nodded. “That makes sense, I guess, so he’s family of choice, not of blood?”

Even with these characters, this doesn’t make sense. Most people, when using the terms brother/sister are going to assume that there is NOT a sexual relationship. Brothers-in-arms and such.

Also, JJ has sadly become the Exposition Girl.

Knowing something about Jason’s number of lovers, I was impressed, and a little . . . well, it’s not everyone who hits triple digits for lovers. Once I would have been judgmental; now I was puzzled. Even with everyone I’d had in my life I was still under thirty lovers. I just couldn’t imagine liking that many people that much.

How does anyone have time to get to triple digits? Especially since Jason and JJ appear to have actual lives.

Brownie point for admitting that she was super-judgmental about this earlier in the series.

I’m not going back through the books to check the number on Anita.

“No, honestly, because I see having someone use a strap-on as a dominant bondage thing, more than sex, and I don’t bottom to women.” That last was said in a tone that was very final. It was one of the few things I was sure of.
“I don’t do a lot of bondage, but I don’t see strap-ons as bondage.”
“Po-tay-toe, po-tah-to,” I said.
She nodded. “One person’s sex is another person’s kink, I get that.”
“Also, Jade is so submissive that even if I had found a woman I was willing to let top me, it would never be her.”

BDSM lecture time, because LKH is an expert authority on the subject.

“So I’m not just being all stupid straight girl?”
Nathaniel hugged me. “I told you that you weren’t.”
“But you love me, and you’re not a girl.”
J.J. smiled. “No, you’re not being all stupid straight girl. You’re actually being very responsible and trying your best, which is a hell of a lot more than most lovers do.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I would be honored to try to help you do oral sex with Jade, but how different are you and Jade on oral sex?”

Once again, it’s all about Anita and how awesome she is…but she doesn’t realize it! So everyone has to tell her, repeatedly. And she gets the stamp of approval from the bisexual girl, so extra points.

“I enjoyed most of what she did more than you did. I still miss Gabriel and her sometimes.”

And this is proof of why Nate should not give ANYONE emotional advice. (Let’s just say it involved snuff films with were-creatures who couldn’t be killed…)

I’d learned that when you’re king you can’t always go slaying the dragons, because if the king dies the kingdom needs a new king, and the next one may be a real bastard. I risked myself enough as a U.S. Marshal; I wasn’t allowed vendettas.

When is she ever really at risk?

Also, so now Anita is the king? Has anyone told Jean-Claude this?

We kissed and it was a mingling of identical scarlet lipstick. She’d started wearing my shade of red, because if she wore something else it ruined both our lipsticks, or made colors that looked good on neither of us. I realized that she got more kisses now that our lipsticks matched; good thing the color looked good on both of us.

Again with the lipstick. How exactly is she kissing? Is she reapplying in between kisses?

Nathaniel watched us kiss, his lips touched with red just down the center. He’d coined it the go-faster stripe, and wore it proudly.

Yet another overused phrase for the bingo card. Plus, “go-faster stripe” is just stupid. I seriously want to toss whatever I'm reading when that one comes up. Luckily my Kindle has a padded case.

Funny, I hadn’t thought he had that typical male fantasy of two women and him; just goes to prove that bisexual doesn’t mean not guy, just a different kind of guy.

Stereotypes ahoy!

There was something incredibly satisfying seeing him stretched beautiful and nude with the tracks of our lip prints decorating all that bare skin. His groin was untouched, but we’d both planted kisses all around it on his thighs and hips, until he’d whimpered. His body was more than ready to be touched, straight, hard, and eager.

Actually, I’m starting to think maybe she has a lipstick fetish after reading this. (Nothing wrong with that, but she should acknowledge it rather than acting like we all get lipstick all over the place.)

This is one of those places where I can figure out what she’s referring to, but use of a word indicating male sexual anatomy would fit well here.

I’d learned to kiss without ending up looking like a clown from kissing the men; now it was just a slightly more delicate dance with two women, two lipsticked mouths. Jade and I were learning. Of course, tonight if we didn’t smear our lipsticks all to hell, we’d be doing it wrong.

Or maybe just not wear lipstick. It’s pretty popular to go without.

Maybe my biggest trouble with Jade wasn’t that she was female, but that she was so uncertain, so that I always had to persuade, do all the planning, and just court her in a way that the men normally courted me.

Once again, it’s all about Anita and how she’s not like those other women…

Yay, so yay!

Another phrase that should be killed with fire

What do you do in the middle of making out with one woman, when you realize your other lover may not be the girl of your dreams? You reach for her, because you can’t bear to see that careful sadness on her face, so I did.

This whole seesaw between “I can’t take care of everyone’s needs” and “I can’t let anyone down” also gets old.

But what works in fantasy doesn’t always work in reality; if you add too many people it can go from erotic and exciting to a game of Jenga.

I laughed about this, but also the fact that she thinks the stuff in her books WORKS.

Adding the boys, even if both women would have agreed, might have been too much, like Internet porn: sex that no one really enjoys, but it looks impressive, and gives you bragging rights of I’m kinkier than thou.

See above. And we all know that Anita is never concerned with bragging rights… right? Oh, wait…

I cried out for her, and finally said, “Safeword, safeword, stop, stop!”

Given the track record with LKH and editing, I can’t decide if this is 1) a mistake (i.e., she was supposed to come up with something reasonable, like Nate’s safeword – see also the Merry book where the note “Insert here” was left instead of an inscription on something) or 2) if that’s the word she chose (which, considering she has used “stop” or NOT had a safeword, is possible), or 3) if it’s supposed to be that she’s so out of it she forgot the safeword.

I got up so I could go and comfort the other woman in the bed, but honestly, I didn’t want to. It wasn’t that I was unsympathetic. It was that I’d been sympathetic for months and months.

Yes, we all know how concerned Anita is with the emotional well-being of others. Where is all this ruthlessness we keep hearing about?

She wouldn’t go to therapy unless I went with her, and I’d told her, no, therapy was an inner journey and had to be walked alone, and besides, you weren’t honest if other people were in the room.

LKH: Please, for the love of God, quit shilling for “therapy”.

Also, you keep using this word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I’d finally found a therapist who specialized in domestic abuse survivors, and I’d gone with her, but she had made it all about how we weren’t getting along, so it turned into couples counseling. I’d tried to bring up the abuse she’d suffered from her ex-master, and all Jade had wanted to talk about was how to make her and me a better, more workable couple. I finally told the counselor that since I was already engaged to three men, I didn’t really see how a girlfriend who didn’t like men that much was going to fit into my life. It’s not often you see a really good psychiatrist stumped, but she didn’t have a comeback for that.

Oooh, look how uncooperative Jade is. It’s like she’s turning into a female Richard or something…

Jade wasn’t ready to deal with her past. She was so broken, but that wasn’t the problem; Nathaniel had been broken when I met him. The difference was that Nathaniel had been willing to work his shit, to try to get better, but Jade wouldn’t help herself get better. She just wanted to cling to me, and to Domino to a much lesser extent, and be afraid. If I’d been in love with her I’d have been more patient, but I so wasn’t in love with her, as I crawled over the bed to dry her tears. I fought to keep my feelings off my face.

Please shoot me now. Once again, Nathaniel is NOT the example of a healthy person or relationship. He's manipulative to the extreme.

Also, everytime Anita refers to “working issues”, what she really means is “don’t cause me any problems”.

Her blond hair fell like yellow water around her shoulders.

Falling yellow water really doesn’t bring up all that great an image, LKH. Just saying…

Nathaniel’s arms and legs were straining in the ropes, his eyes fluttering shut, and I realized for the first time that having a silk-clad woman writhing on his groin while another woman ate her out might actually bring him.

Bring him WHERE? Quit being so “special snowflake” and write “come”. "He came." I'm going to come"

It strikes me that LKH often chooses passive language to describe sex, and it’s annoying. It goes right along with stuff like "his body was ready" or "he was ready". She takes all this pride in the edgy sexy stuff (that women can't write, or so she claims she was told) but then she pulls this stuff.

People joke about women tasting like fish, but Jade always tasted more like meat, red meat. I’d asked Nathaniel and he’d confirmed that I did, too, but he’d also said that some women did taste like fish. If you were willing to ask the questions you could learn all sorts of things.

Does anyone really think women taste like fish? I’ve heard cleanliness issues may lead to smelling like fish (and if we’re going to talk about sex and cleanliness issues, Anita lives in a big old glass house). I’m also having a hard time finding a man who thinks we taste like a steak. Unless maybe this is supposed to be a poorly described were thing?

I sealed my mouth over her, drawing more and more of that small, happy bit of her body into my mouth, so that I was sucking it a lot like I’d suck a man, but totally different, it was just the only analogy I had.

Words are her business, folks. Just remember that.

She was well and truly gone to her happy place. Yay, fucking, yay!

Please quit with the “yay” thing. Kill it with fire.

NATHANIEL WAS ONE of those men who was longer when he was at his most excited. He could gain two inches in length between “normal” erection and this, but he was also vibratingly hard, like wrapping my hand around rock wrapped in warm, velvet skin.

Because, of course, Anita’s boy-toys can’t be like normal guys. I’m also not buying this whole “get even longer” thing.

He looked back at Nathaniel.
They had a long look between them, and it was Nathaniel who said, “We’re best friends, and you can’t be best friends if you’re fucking each other. It messes up the friendship.”
“Some couples are best friends,” she said.
“No,” Nathaniel said, “once you love each other like that, you can’t be true best friends.”
“Best friends are who you bitch to about your lovers,” Jason said. “Can’t do that if your best friend is your lover. It gets in the way.”

This actually makes sense in Anita-land. I don't agree with it, but it makes sense.

“But you are great at deep-throating,” J.J. said.
“That’s different from mouth-fucking,” I said.
She looked puzzled.
“You really haven’t been with that many men, have you?”
“Not in a decade, and honestly, high school boys just didn’t interest me that much, except for Jason.”
“I’m not saying no to vigorous oral sex from Jason, but unless I’m in the right mood, mouth-fucking is sort of an endurance sport, and it might distract me enough that I will take a long time to go from oral myself.”

All about Anita. Also, "to go" is right up there with characters being brought - it's stupid. If you don't want to use "come" (I personally prefer it over "cum", mostly because that looks like Letters from Penthouse), how about some other choices: get off? climax? have an orgasm?

“No hinting, honeybunch,” Jason said, “we have to be very clear on this. Are you saying that Nathaniel could have actual sex with you?”
She nodded.
“Gotta say it out loud, J.J., no misunderstandings.”
“If everyone is okay with it, I’d like to try”—she blushed harder, and then went pale—“having intercourse with Nathaniel.”
Jason grinned. “I’m okay with it.”
“Really?” she asked, looking up at him.
He nodded. “Really.”
“So we’re going to daisy-chain us all,” I said.
“Maybe, or maybe we’ll just break into couples again,” J.J. said. “But you with Nathaniel and me with Jason,” I said.

Jason doesn’t strike me as a honeybunch and sweetums kind of guy, really.

More negotiating during sex. What was she saying about erotic Jenga earlier? I get that in the BDSM "scene" there is some etiquette on the subject, but for me it just doesn't work. Although at least characters are consenting to sexual stuff, as opposed to other books in this series.

“God, you’re beautiful,” she said, and I realized she wasn’t looking at my face, or breasts, and I didn’t think anyone had ever complimented that part of me in quite that way. I wasn’t sure what to say, so I settled for, “Thank you.”

That’s because the only comment that the men make about Anita in that area is how “wet and tight” she is. (This could also be due to the fact that the sex scenes are VERY male-oriented.) That's not an uncommon compliment.

Jason pulled himself out of my mouth, and then he went, hot and liquid across my breasts.

He came. He came, hot and liquid, across your breasts. This honestly sounds like some other bodily fluid was involved. See my diatribe above.

She nodded. “We give the advice we need to hear sometimes; I heard it.”

If Anita is giving you advice, run. Just run.

“I have some of the same issues you have with personal boundaries, so I’d say let’s see if we can incorporate her into our sex life more as a group, and if that will satisfy her need for a relationship with you, then great, but if she keeps pushing you to go out to movies and plays with just her, then say no. You barely have time to actually date Micah, me, and Jean-Claude.”
“You’re usually the more the merrier,” I said.
“Only with people who work their issues. It would be great to find a woman to add to us. It would make most of the other men incredibly happy, but Jade isn’t the woman to help make us all happier.”

There Nate goes, trying to keep Anita in his control. I agree that she doesn’t have time, but let’s face it – does Anita really work emotional issues with those three either? No, “I love you mostest” does not count. (Funny note: AC tried to give me “moistest”, probably because this is about Anita.)

“She wants too much of you, Anita. You’re already committed to too many people you love, and who fit into our lives better, and who make things better. We don’t need someone who drags us down and just sucks energy. We need people who help lift everyone up and raise the energy level. Jade doesn’t help enough, and she needs too much emotional hand holding without giving enough in return.”
I cuddled Nathaniel’s arms around me tighter.

Love how Nate is stressing “we”, not “you” or “Anita”.

“So I get to stop dating Jade, or having sex with her?”
“Did you hear what you said, just now?” J.J. asked. I looked at her.
“I said I was breaking up with Jade.”
“No, you said you ‘get to’ break up with her. That implies you don’t really want to have sex with her, let alone date her.”

Let’s all make Anita feel better about something she should have done some time ago, really.

So, it wasn't all bad.
No ardeur.
No Richard.
No Micah.
No Cynric.
No Jean-Claude.
No references to "creamy goodness" or other references to Anita's impossible anatomy (muscular but dainty, not weigh very much but have a EEE rack).
No super-detailed descriptions of BAD clothing.
No pissing contests with law enforcement types.
No pretense at plot.

But it still wasn't good.

I gave it 2 stars on Amazon, mostly because it was honest about what it was. Let's face it, she's written worse.

DV